It never ceases to amaze me how up and down living with the PKU diet can be. I’m the first to admit that for me every day is a struggle. It hasn’t really been an automatic lifestyle in… well… I can’t remember how long. Not to say that that’s acceptable, of course. It’s not, and I’m the first to admit that.
But lately I’ve been thinking (and worrying) a lot about the diet. With the date of my clinic appointment which will herald the start of the preconception diet looming (October 1), I’m getting more and more nervous about the fact that I’m not so sure I can do this. What if I never get back on track? What if I fall pregnant and then decide I can’t do the diet any more? What if I can’t even get my levels down to try to fall pregnant in the first place? Messing about with my PKU diet while pregnant would be the ultimate betrayal to my unborn baby, and would make me the worst mother I could ever possibly be before I had even gotten started. That scares me. I don’t want to be a bad mother. So many fears, so many worries. Do other PKU women feel like this? Probably, but I don’t know any, so who knows?
I’ve emailed my dietician today and ask her to administer a swift, hard kick up the proverbial behind. Goodness knows I need it. I always start the day as I mean to go on – counting my breakfast exchanges and a dose of formula. I usually take a formula at lunch too, though my evening dose is proving to be somewhat elusive… god I hate that stuff. I wish they would come up with something which was easy to take (ie not too much volume), tasteless, low in calories AND suitable for pregnant women. Not that I have high expectations or anything… 
To be honest, my diet has gotten progressively better ever since I came to the UK and I do tend to forget that. Still, my downfall seems to be snack time. I have noticed that I tend to snack with carefree abandon on exchange foods, which are sometimes quite high, and I forget to count them. I’m not good at weighing my food out either, though I’m proud to say that when I ate jaffa cakes and jammy dodgers at work the other day, an hour later I got the guilts and sat in the tea room working out how many exchanges I’d had! And today, for example, I think I’ve had roughly 10 of my 15 exchanges… oh… wait… nope. I must have had the whole lot because I lost the will to live on protein free snacks again. *sigh*. I’d forgotten about that. No formula today either, largely because I forgot to put any more in the fridge last night. It’s days like this that really take their toll on my capacity to deal with PKU and what is to come, if I can get it right in the first place of course.
So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to carry snacks with me everywhere I go, even if it’s just a pack of low protein biscuits, and even though I don’t actually like the low protein food in general. I’m going to attempt to keep a food diary (the problem is I tend to forget about it), and I’m going put stickers everywhere that say FORMULA to try to help me remember at night time. I might even put one on the wall next to my desk at work. I’m going to try to keep it to 5 exchanges at every meal and if I can keep this up for two weeks I’ll treat myself to a spa day. Oh – and I’m going to do a blood test every two weeks, starting this weekend. I think having someone to talk to would help, but I don’t know anyone.
Is there anyone else out there looking to fall pregnant and who wants to be my maternal PKU buddy? J